(Bloomberg Opinion) -- The question has been popped. The venue is booked. The DJ-versus-band debate is raging. For many modern couples, wedding planning is an exhausting onslaught of expensive decisions, expectations and opinions. So forgive me for being yet another to offer unsolicited advice, but this is important.
Every year, there are people who go into debt to celebrate someone else's special day. A 2021 survey found that 35% of bridesmaid and 30% of groomsmen respondents went into debt for a friend's wedding. Couples are likely looking at higher price tags this year due to higher demand and inflation, and they should consider how their guests and bridal parties will be impacted as well.
Thanks to a pandemic backlog, 2022 is shaping up to be a boom year for nuptials, with 2.5 million weddings expected to happen in the U.S., according to The Wedding Report. If you're planning a host of pre-wedding events or even simply holding your wedding at an expensive or remote location, think about how to avoid being a financial burden to the loved ones you want there.
Perhaps you're clapping back with, “Well, they don't have to say yes!” Sure, they don't have to — but be honest with yourself. Your friends, and especially family, probably aren't going to say no. It can be uncomfortable to decline invitations in general, even more so when it's a milestone life event. People will want to be there for you and try to make it work.
If you're having a traditional wedding, one step may be selecting bridesmaids and groomsmen. The planning process should start with you and your partner discussing which costs you're going to subsidize for your bridal parties. You should be plotting ways to minimize the cost of being there for your special day, particularly if travel is involved.
When my husband and I got married, we selected a location that was convenient for his groomsmen and immediate family and for both of our extended families. Because most of my bridal party needed to travel, it was important to me that I offset many day-of expenses. I paid for the bridesmaid dresses for the women. My male bridal attendant wore a suit he already owned, and I purchased the color-scheme appropriate tie and pocket square. I also covered the hair styling on the wedding day.
If it's not in your budget to cover the cost of dresses or suits, then you should select colors and allow your bridal party to pick their own outfits. This allows them to be in control of the cost or even wear something they already own.
Once you allocate a budget for subsidizing actual wedding costs, it's time to decide about the pre-wedding events. Will there be an engagement party, bridal shower, bachelor and bachelorette parties? If yes, the expectation should not be for everyone to attend everything, especially if they all include travel. Remember: Someone saying yes to being in your wedding isn't a binding agreement to acquiesce to your every whim. And don't take it personally when someone declines an invite.
You should also be thoughtful about who is paying for which events. It's a big ask to have the bridal party cover the cost of a bridal shower and a bachelorette party. You need to be speaking with your partner, parents and future in-laws about expectations of pre-wedding events and who will pay. For some families, it's common for the mother or mother-in-law to cover a bridal shower. Others turn to close family friends or godparents. These conversations should be happening within weeks of getting engaged and not be an unexpected financial surprise to your bridal party a month prior. You also don't have to hold any pre-wedding events.
Set the expectation early on that bridesmaids and groomsmen don't have to be at every gathering. Share which events you'd prioritize and give ample notice about dates so people have time to plan and save up.
Personally, I gave those invited to my bachelorette party about six months' notice and wrote a five-page travel hacking guide, so they could use credit card points to offset the cost of flights. I also covered the accommodations to minimize the burden as much as possible.
Never personally make — or allow another bridal-party member to make — unilateral decisions about bachelor/bachelorette party destinations, accommodations or activities without first discussing budget with the rest of the group. (The number of horror stories I've heard about a Maid of Honor or Best Man going rogue and booking accommodations without consulting everyone else is unacceptable.)
Create a Google Form or use SurveyMonkey to solicit input from your bridal party about budgets and consider where and how you can all get a little creative. Try to bundle events such as a bridal shower and bachelorette party by hosting both on the same weekend. When it comes to gifts, you can tell people that their presence and support and love is gift enough.
Throughout this process, keep in mind that while this is your special day, it's in reality just another wedding for most others involved. Your bridesmaids and groomsmen might have multiple weddings this season. Be thoughtful about what's best for the majority of invitees and accept the boundaries people need to set to protect their own financial lives.
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This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the editorial board or Bloomberg LP and its owners.
Erin Lowry is the author of “Broke Millennial,” “Broke Millennial Takes On Investing” and “Broke Millennial Talks Money: Stories, Scripts and Advice to Navigate Awkward Financial Conversations.”
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