My Hopefully Helpful Notes For Teenagers

My heart did a Produnova vault when my almost-teenager was invited to her first dance party. And when I saw a video of all her classmates jumping into the pool on the count of three in their party clothes on a cold Bangalore night, I confess that, unlike the other parents, I didn't think it was cute or adorable. She will turn 13 soon and I am trying hard to stay chill i.e. maintain a neutral facial expression and tone of voice no matter what. Every time I fail, I pick myself up and try harder.

My daughter will likely be embarrassed by this piece but that's okay. It's better she understands as early as possible that it's a waste of joules to worry about what the world thinks of you, your life choices or your mother. I'd like the list of things she will never be able to say or do (for fear of what people will think) to be as short as possible.

If she thinks I'm overcautious, I'll remind her about that discussion we had a few weeks ago about getting a tattoo together. Fun fact: At least 45 U.S. states have laws prohibiting minors from getting tattoos. The U.K. even has a Tattooing of Minors Act, 1969. The good news is that in this country, tattoos have been part of our lives for thousands of years (see @india.ink.archive on Instagram). My grandmother got her first tattoo when she was nine years old for “phanshun” (fashion). So, yes, I'm planning to walk down that road with my daughter.

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India Ink Archive (@india.ink.archive) • Instagram photos and videos

I've always been the cool aunt to my friends' daughters and nieces and I confess I was totally unprepared to navigate my own almost-teenager's secret life. I hope my long-term effort of introducing her to older, amazing women, any of whom could easily be her go-to person for all the things she feels uncomfortable talking to me about, will pay off in the years ahead. Please utilise our collective expertise and experience, I want to tell her. Trust me, nothing you say can shock or surprise us. 

If only I could cast a spell so teenagers wouldn't waste this precious decade worrying about the shape or size of their bodies or the colour of their skin. Since the day a friend identified her skin colour as ‘darker', I've told my daughter that her skin is the colour of chocolate, coffee, hazelnut, cinnamon, wet sand, autumn leaves and many more such things that she loves. And here's an additional tip for all teens: Stare down anyone who greets you with ‘You've gained so much weight'; ‘You've lost so much weight'; and ‘Have you been swimming? You're soooo tanned'.

(Source: Jeff Siepman/Unsplash)

Every generation of parents has a list of worries and desires for their teenagers, who are navigating the treacherous rope bridge from childhood to adulthood, and this is mine. 

Don't judge others by labels—caste, religion, colour, weight, sexual orientation, money. Don't bully or be bullied. Always recognise your privilege, cede the mic to people whose voices don't usually get heard, surround yourself with those who question existing norms/structures and with whom you can be yourself. The people you fall in love will seem all-important in that moment in time, but you may not even remember them a few decades from now. It's your friends who will have your back for life. If they break your heart, trust me, it will hurt harder than the loss of any ‘true love' possibly can. Yes, I assure you that you will fall in love again.

It's absolutely fine to have just a few friends, and please tell all of them that what you learned in history—‘caste existed in ancient India'—is only the start of the story. Even today, it's India's deepest open wound. I'm sorry you will become an adult in a world driven by hate—but please don't be a silent onlooker. As Trayvon Martin's mother says in her book: Fight for everyone. 

Book cover. (Source: Amazon)

Try to pick the outdoors over the indoors, natural over synthetic, real life over digital life, speaking over texting. I grew up in a world free of preteen twerking and online predators (though there were real ones at every bend), so forgive me if I worry about the internet's dark pull. Please don't download apps such as Omegle that encourage you to talk to strangers over video. Stick to animal reels on Instagram. Don't send nudes, even to people you trust. And if you ignore this last bit of advice, don't be irrevocably devastated if someone makes these images public. Like others before you, you'll figure out a way to handle this.

Sexuality is a continuum, my nephew wisely told me several years ago. Your teenage years are when your parents hope you will find a comfortable perch on that spectrum. As I told my daughter once in jest, I'll be most relieved if you fall in love with the girl who is your bestie. I know she understands consent—even I'm not allowed to kiss her when she doesn't want me to. 

Trust your instincts, teens: If something feels wrong, it probably is. Remember, pleasure is not a male prerogative. Never feel awkward about sharing what makes you happy. And ladies first, as the old adage goes.

Always remove your make-up at night; don't use Zomato as a mental health crutch; girls, show off your biceps, boys cover them up; find a better dream than ‘I want my own iPhone 14'; soon-to-be men can please learn the basic life skill of cooking; don't give up learning that musical instrument, you'll thank us later; never forget to kiss your parents goodnight. And, dare I say it, embrace reading. It really is a portal to other worlds. 

I'll add a final note to my daughter. It's your feminist father's life motto, I know, but from one Indian woman to another: Don't ‘kindly adjust'. Stay fierce my love, even with me.

Priya Ramani is a Bengaluru-based journalist and is on the editorial board of Article-14.com.

The views expressed here are those of the author, and do not necessarily represent the views of BQ Prime or its editorial team.

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