The New Rules Of Divorce

For several years, my favourite line to the husband was that conventional marriage is an unnatural institution. But as I have lost friends and family to casual bigotry and their incredible ability to 'look away' as Harsh Mander put it in the title of one of his bestselling books, I am grateful for a kind, compassionate and steady partner who values and finds meaning in the same things that I do. As we grow older, we find ourselves more in agreement about what we want out of life, and that makes it easy to negotiate the mound of hurt sentiments that builds up in any long-term partnership. Thankfully, nobody stays angry for more than a couple of hours. It certainly helps that he has brought me tea in bed every morning, even when he’s irritated with me, for 25 years.

I’ve begun this piece the way I have so my mother doesn’t worry why I’m writing about divorce. I am fascinated by the way couples—especially women, who are, incidentally, the main initiators—navigate divorce. We all know the joke about India’s low divorce rate (many women suffer a lifetime of ‘togetherness’ with no option to divorce) but these days, those who do get divorced seem to be quite zen about it. It’s different from ‘I’m leaving you. Don’t make me go back in or I might go out of the window’ decades-old trauma I saw in my first divorce film, Kramer vs. Kramer.

Actor Natalie Portman quietly exited a marriage of 11 years, apparently after her partner’s infidelity. Nobody discussed the reasons for divorce; the focus was on the children. “Her biggest priority has been ensuring a smooth transition for her children,” a friend told People magazine. "She and Ben (Benjamin Millepied) really love their kids and are equally focused on being the best co-parents they can be. Nothing is more important."

I've read and listened to those who recently divorced and identified what seem to be some new ways of dealing with this age-old issue. Portman likely walked out because of the infidelity, but most people just say they were incompatible. Drifted apart. Changed. Journey shifted. Wanted different things. Individual growth. Got out of a ‘toxic’ situation. Reached a happier zone. Somebody should make a meme of these reasons.

Many couples stay friends in a more natural way than the infamous “conscious uncoupling” popularised by Gwyneth Paltrow a decade ago. When Dia Mirza announced the end of her 5-year marriage in 2019 on social media, the note was signed by both ex-partners. “After 11 years of sharing our lives and being together, we have mutually decided to separate,” they wrote. “We remain friends and will continue to be there for each other with love and respect. While our journeys may lead us down different paths, we are forever grateful for the bond that we share with each other.”

When designer Masaba’s ex-husband remarried, his former mother-in-law, Neena Gupta, congratulated him under his social media post. Malaika Arora says her ex-husband, Arbaaz Khan, will always be there for her. When she had a car accident followed by eye surgery in 2022, she said one of the first faces that she saw at the hospital was her Khan’s. “It was very strange. For a second, I was like, ‘Okay, have I gone back in time?’.”

But the best philosophy has to be from director Kiran Rao, who spoke to journalist Anupama Chopra about being friends with her ex-husband’s (Aamir Khan) ex-wife Reena Dutta. “Whenever Reena and I go out together, the cameras go crazy. They’re not even interested in Aamir,” she said. “I’m all for being a poster girl for a modern, inclusive family. I’m happy to give tips to anyone who wants to be friends with their ex’s ex-wife. We need more people to show that marriage is a wonderful relationship and people can move on from it and continue their relationship as friends, family or co-parents.”

Divorce is rocking the bestseller list too. Clearly, it’s more than okay to talk about it. Women authors, especially, are happy to show you the messy insides of their marriages (though, oddly, all the divorce movies you can think of are made by men). The women writers, in turn, were inspired by those whose marriages broke up before them. Lyz Lenz, who wrote This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life, listened to an audio version of Nora Ephron’s Heartburn four times and read authors such as Betty Friedan and Ellen Willis. “I also read three biographies of Princess Diana,” she told The New York Times. “I remember having this thought: If she could divorce the royals, I can divorce a Midwestern family.”

Getting divorced in the digital age is easier and more difficult. It’s easy to announce it on your terms (one US model broke the news of her breakup when she told a fan who asked her on Tik Tok if she was still in a relationship), but exiting a common digital life requires several extra steps. Meryl Streep could put down her Bloomingdale’s and Amex cards and walk out of the door in Kramer vs. Kramer, but these days, in addition to taking off the ring and before you reach the point when you can be friends with each other, many people unfollow their exes, delete posts and tags, exit WhatsApp groups, disentangle all their family plans, joint subscriptions and fitness sharing.

As for Streep, she began living with Don Gummer during the making of Kramer vs. Kramer and married him six months later. After 45 years of togetherness, it was reported last year that the couple had been separated for six years. No reasons were given. None were needed.

Priya Ramani is a Bengaluru-based journalist and is on the editorial board of Article-14.com.

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