Shraddha, Nikki, Megha May Have Been Alive If We Talked Enough To Victims Of Abuse

Shraddha Walkar, Nikki Yadav and Megha Torvi had opted to live with their chosen partners. All three were gruesomely murdered by those very men. For days, the discussion centered around how Aftab chopped Shraddha's body and dumped the parts in the forest; how calm Sahil looked at his wedding hours after he strangled Nikki with a phone cable; and how Hardik lit incense sticks to mask the stench of Megha's body hidden in a bed storage. And how the men resumed their "normal" lives within hours of the horrific crimes—Aftab brought a date home; Sahil married another woman; and Hardik sold all the furniture before fleeing.  

But the depravity of their crimes didn’t stop questions about the victims’ conduct. Instead of asking why the men behaved violently, the debate focused on: Why these women—all three were educated and two had been employed earlier—continued to be in relationships with toxic men? Why did they not leave them? Why did they not see this coming?  

Gender and behaviour experts warn against using such crimes to pull women back from making independent choices in life or career.

The distinctiveness of these cases is that many such women have fallen out of their networks of security, Krishna Menon, professor of gender studies, School of Human Studies, Ambedkar University, told BQ Prime.  

"Unfortunately, for many young people, love that is transgressive in nature has to be conducted on the sly, surreptitiously. That leads them to live lives isolated from friends, family and community,” said Menon. “That is the network that provides them with some emotional and social support. [In its absence] They become even more vulnerable to violent attacks by men."

Violence against women in India and worldwide is not rare. About 30% women between the age of 18 and 49 have experienced physical violence since the age of 15 years, according to the latest National Family Health Survey. Last year, UN Secretary-General António Guterres called violence against women the "most pervasive human rights violation" in the world, flagging that every 11 minutes, a woman is killed by an intimate partner or a family member. 

“These incidents should not be reported as a warning to parents to not send their girls away, but a message to all families to raise children to have a healthy approach to romance, sex and relationships and not violate the dignity and selfhood of the other person,” Menon said. What needs to be addressed, Menon said, is the breakdown of safety networks, the crisis in masculinity in understanding it as control, domination, power and violence; and the difficulties that young women experience in not being able to navigate respectful relationships. 

There is love that the family and society approve of—a narrow pool of men from the same religion, caste, language among other factors—and then there is transgressive love that is not approved by family, said Menon. "When you are away from family, you acquire a certain agency and selfhood, which may not be necessarily mediated by factors of caste and religion.”  

The disapproval that comes with such love in India, according to her, often takes a toll on young people, particularly women. 

Studies have shown loneliness, isolation and lack of support from personal networks increase the vulnerability of the victims of abuse as often they withdraw when they are not fully believed or considered responsible or when their situation is minimised. Social networks can often provide initial emotional and practical help such as assisting escape, especially when the perpetrator controls access to finance and communication.  

That's vital to spot trouble before it's too late. Even in these cases, signs of abuse were evident much earlier. Walkar had told one of the witnesses examined by the police that she used to take frequent leave from work on the pretext of illness because Aftab used to physically assault her. Neighbours of Megha told the police that the couple had many altercations over money ever since both lost their jobs during the pandemic.  

Steps are needed both at the individual and societal levels to make it clear that mistreatment and abuse is not acceptable, according to Rishi Gautam, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences, GWU School of Medicine, Washington DC. “Educating and empowering women is important, making resources for women suffering from abuse easily available is necessary too."  

It’s important to talk to victims of abuse and validate their experiences, not dismiss them, as support can often empower them to make decisions, he said. It is also essential to watch out for the red flags in a relationship, Gautam said.  

"This could be a pattern of violence, previous instances of disregard for law or consequences, cheating, anger, irritability, lying, etc.,” Gautam said. “The perpetrator could themselves have some undiagnosed form of illness such as depression, anxiety that increases the probability of compulsive action." 

That’s why psychiatrist Mantosh Kumar sees it as an optimistic sign that more young couples are going for live-in relationships instead of straightaway getting into marriage. "This way, they are learning to understand each other better," said Kumar, senior consultant, mental health and behavioural sciences at Fortis Memorial Research Institute, Gurugram. “But it is important to have a dialogue and keep asking yourself how you feel. Abuse isn't always extreme violence. It starts with disrespect, snapping, recurring fights, aggression and the perpetrator often making you feel like you asked for it..." 

The psychology of these violent crimes has also to do with a distorted idea of masculinity or what a large part of the society and popular culture expects it to look like—a man in control of his 'possessions', including his partner. 

Menon calls this “the crisis in masculinity". “Men don't have enough opportunities to mingle with people with different gender proclivities, they don't have enough understanding of their own sexuality and self.”

“In a milieu where women are largely objectified and seen as conquests or 'items', the minute they feel they are unable to control the woman, violence seems to be justified," Menon said. 

While the outcry over these cases is because of the nature of the crime, violence by fathers, uncles, and in-laws is not uncommon in India, she said. "We have had dowry deaths or sex-selective abortions. Violence against women is also used to scare women from public spaces. Fear, as a trope, is often by society when they wish to control and regulate women's mobility."